Tomorrow I have my mid-pregnancy anatomy scan. Yes, we’re pregnant again and have made it to the 19-week mark.
As I think about this appointment, the same four words keep running through my head. “There is no heartbeat.”
It was six months ago I was in this exact same position. Halfway through a pregnancy. 4 months of puking my brains out. Visible bump. A healthy sonogram at 8 weeks. Two appointments with an audible heartbeat. Everything looking great on the outside.
Yet last time everything was actually a mess on the inside. We had no idea.
Over the past four months, I’ve battled more fear and anxiety than at any other point in my life. We’re so thankful to be pregnant again. Thankful to have spent 19-weeks with our third little love. We’re hopeful for a future with this child. At the same time, we’re scared to experience loss again.
People want to say things like, “Have faith it will all be fine” or “I’m sure everything will be fine this time, keep believing.” But I don’t want to put my faith and trust in things that will fail. It may not be fine. This baby may not be healthy. We may not hold this third child either. If my faith had only been in these things last time, my entire foundation would have been dismantled.
What I do know is that what God has done over the past six months He is capable of doing again. I want to put my faith in what won’t fail and what won’t let me down. My situation may get worse, but my God will not. God will be near. God will pour love and grace out on me. God will heal any broken part. God will make all things new. God will give me life eternal. God will always work for the eternal good of those who love Him.
I am not owed a healthy baby this time. I am not guaranteed a smooth sailing pregnancy. I do not get to miss out suffering this go around simply because I took my turn last time. I wish it worked that way.
I am hopeful that it will look different. Yet at the same time, I am all too aware that it may not.
God has been asking me each day to simply trust Him. To be with Him and to remember who He is. I’ve been reminded to love Him for who He is and not just for what He can do for me. He can give me a perfectly healthy baby. He also cannot.
One of the things we are most thankful for with Maizie is that we had no idea something was wrong until after her life had ended. I went through 21-weeks of pregnancy rejoicing in the miracle of a life inside my womb. We opted to not perform any early genetic testing this time for the same reason. We want to be truly thankful for each healthy day we have with this child. The biggest difference this time is we feel afraid to have much hope for the future or to dream about days to come.
We held off on telling people for a number of reasons. We needed to hold it close to our own hearts for awhile and to really wrestle some with God. One of my biggest fears in beginning to share this news was to hear the word congratulations or to see other people only feel excitement for us. I haven’t been able to get to excited or really joyful. I have deeply tasted thankfulness though. I was worried that I would feel like a bad mother if other people were more excited than me. What kind of mom isn’t the most excited person about her child? However as we’ve slowly released this news over the past couple weeks, I’ve ended up being thankful for people who can be excited for this child. They are doing something for me that I can’t quite do for myself right now. I think that’s ok. It’s ok that they only taste the excitement, because they don’t know the pain. It’s also ok that I’m not excited yet, because I am too deeply aware of what loss in this area may cost me. My favorite response though is from people who acknowledge the tension of what we must be feeling.
I’m hopeful that tomorrow will look completely different than December 6th. I’m desperate for it to look different. But even if doesn’t, I know God will be with me.
Smith baby #3, We all love you and we really want to hold you.